I am a basketcase.  I can’t get what I really want so I settled for a piece ofit instead. Bleiving that I could bring myself some kind of pleasure out of the deal. Partly believing that things could go really well at this point or really poorly…well, of course things could not go very well for me. He’s disgusted and so am I. I know that I beat myself up and I really have a problem with that. I want to stop all that. I keep repeating the same patterns over and over not giving myself time to fully see the results. Maybe it is because I am very instant result-driven? I am used to getting something almost immediately and that brings out the brat in me. I unintentionally moved too fast and now it is slapping in  the face. HARD. So how do I get through this? That is the very frustrating part of it.

I mean I have some self-esteem. I got a nice haircut, but now my skin is looking a mess.I went to an event yesterday that I am very enthusiastic about, but yet intimdated by the work that would come from it. Afraid for things to  not go the way I hoped. But I guess if I don’t try..I’ll never  know. Okay, so that means that I will go for it. I just have to get something together in the most hoestly dishonest way I possibly can. What else? Oh yeah. I need to clean my desk. It is awful and it is making me feel bad. So I need to do it. I have taken yoga classes that I suddenly love, gone out with friends, given some love to my son-but I need to give him more..I just do. Why do I still feel just horrible? I really am tired of this.

First off, let me just say that my son is the light of my life.  Lately, he is the only one that can genuinely make me smile-I can’t tell if it on purpose or not-Jackson is funny that way. He is the reason why I am here. He saved my life.  If not for Jackson, I would be in a miserable marriage, not on the outs of a pretty happy relationship. But anyway.

He tells me I am her very best friend. Ever. He gave me a penny the other day that he kept in his pocket all day. He tells me he loves me too. I want the world for him. So I will give it. Mommy has been a little beside herself lately, but I will give  you my all. I love you Jackson.

Now, into the future. I can’t say that right now I see that it is so bright.  I am at a crossroads with my career-not sure what I want to do there. It feels like the end of the road for my relationship. Not much I can do there. So I guess I need to start with me.  Just me. So I need to take a few breaths. Remind myself of who I am, but remember that I don’t have to be passive. I will also remember that my feelings matter but to approach people with compassion and kindness, especially when it is hard to do so. Hopefully I will see the light at the end of the tunnel soon, cuz it feels like I am drowning right now.

On Tuesday he said he just wanted to be friends. Well then. After cycling through some emotions, I decided that I would give it a try-resetting, taking the pressure off of our strained realtionship. Not sure if this is the best decision I ever made, but why not? Can’t be any worse, can it?  Today, I woke up feeling okay pretty good in fact. The first time in about a month I didn’t wake up feeling a dull ache in my stomach or stabbing pain in my heart. I laid and listened to the waves, to my breath, to my heart and looked at him. Still love him. But that’s okay.

I am choosing to use this time to look inward, which I only scratched the surface of before meeting Beloved. So the more I think about it, this is my time to take more care of myself.  So, I have leaned about Transcendental Meditation-which is great in concept, but not for no $1,500. I mean..seriously?  I have enrolled in some yoga classes that intrigued me..trying something new..I am going to be doing some volunteering and stop hanging around the house just in case I can get some..you know..wink,wink, nod, nod….sad, I know.

See, in his mind, I am a certain way..and I have gotten really close to buying into it. But given my previous hell with..we shall call him Donut..I know that it is all about what I put out there for myself, what I beleive in, and how I pecieve myself is how people who might be pissed off at a crappy side of me can see that the crappy side is not overwhelmingly so much of TBH.

I am going  to keep my head up, remember who I am, what I like, do what interests me and keep on moving. I will get it right someday. Maybe Beloved will be there, maybe not. I pains me to think that way, but that is the reality.

So I guess its time I set some goals for myself. I never really put them on paper before-maybe because of my procrastinating, maybe it was because of fear, I don’t know. So instead of sitting here bitching about being heartbroken I am going to be proactive in my life goals and start to address them.

1. Get my finances straight.

2. Get a new car.

3. Decide on a career passion and stick with it.

4. Determine my dream life

5. Spend more time with my son.

6. Take care of myself. That includes being fancy and maintaining clothing the way I want to.

7. Be a better friend.

8. Be the best girlfriend-for however long that lasts.

9. Clean something every day.

10.Maintain a workout of at least 3 times a week.

11. Expand my network.

12. Do something new every day.

13. Focus on the job that I currently have, appreciate it for what it is and do it well.

14. Practice mediatation daily.

15. Travel to a new destination at least twice this year.

There are a few things that I have to do. Things that I have to let go of and move on from. I have been reborn and its about time that I acted like it.  So I want to say goodbye to shame and guilt, to sadness and being toungue tied. I am saying goodbye to not feeling good enough and not forgiving myself for not doing what I am supposed to do. I am saying goodbye to procrastination, messiness and overall being unfocused. I didn’t start out this way and don’t intend on staying that way.  I am saying goodbye to ignoring my feelings and ignoring others feelings. I am saying goodbye to not prioritizing and taking everyone and everything so seriously-everyone except for myself. I am saying goodbye to feeling sorry for myself for things that are not in my control. I am saying goodbye to attempting to control things that I cannot. I am saying goodbye to beleiving that my love, compassion, care, concern, orgasmic feelings have limits. I am saying goodbye to limitations that I set upon myself.  I am saying goodbye to feeling as though just because I solve an issue today, means I never have to deal ith it again. I am saying goodbye to not seeking full closure to whatever I am doing. I am saying goodbye to thinking that I am just going to be okay whenI want to be awesome. I am saying goodbye to thinking that everyone is against me. I am saying goodbye to feeling like to just don’t have enough time for friends and that only certain time should be reserved for family.

I am saying hello to self love and knowing that that love shines from me onto everyone-not just my family or close friends. I am saying hello believing that I am awesome all the time and not just when someone says so. I say so. I am saying goodbye to being unsure to what I like, who I am and who I strive to be. I am saying hello to dictating my life, my future, my being. I am saying hello to a world where I do things the right way, not always the fastest way. I am saying hello to enjoying just being, enjoying life moment to moment because you don’t know when those moments will be stolen from you.  I am saying hello to making it happen and not just waiting for it to happen. I am saying hello to honesty with myself anf those around me..saying hello to saying what I mean and what I truly feel. I am saying hello to taking care of myself and not feeling like I need to apologize for what I like and truly enjoy.  I am saying hello to enjoying the life that surrounds me and bringing life and light into that situation. I am saying hello to writing how I feel more often just because it feels good. I am saying hello to finding my passion and doing it. I am saying hello to just doing it and loving every minute of it. I am saying hello to hard work and KNOWING that it takes hard work to get what it is that I want. I am saying hello to not thinking that everything is easy just because I am smart.

Since I am at a very little risk of anyone actually reading this-despite my delusions of gradeur-I am totally going to come clean. First off I recently got divorced. My marriage was abusive. I met someone from my past that made me happier than I have ever been and now it seems as though things are going to be blow away.  I think I have been pretty good considering what I went through in my marriage. But to be honest, there are scars, things that I find difficult to articulate and then mainfest themselves into self-destructive behavior.  Case in poin my current relationship. I love him. Love him to death. But I am scared. He and I had a relationship back in high school..my first love. We found each on the El. I have been replaying that day in my mind so many times because as much as I did not want to admit it at the time, it DID feel like fate.  But apparently, fate has bad timing. I was fresh out of a horrific relationship where I was an awful person and deserved everything that I got.

Now, while the relationship that I am in is definitely not horrific, there are indicators that I am not who I want to be in a relationship and start, well, trippin. I know I can be who I want and have made some major mistakes.  I just am so afraid that the person I love the most won’t see it and leave. Which is what I feared the most. And now here I am trying to keep it together while internally, I am sheredded. Just emotionally drained will time alone help? Not sure. I took some time to enjoy my solitude. Which I did, in fact enjoy but missed my baby. But apparently, he missed me not. I would tell him, he didn’t tell me back.  It’s like he doesn’t seek refuge in me anymore. Doesn’t trust that I can be that rock. I want to be that rock, that lover and everything else but I am afraid that it is too late.  I know in my heart that he loves me, but now believes that he cannot be with me. And it sucks. What sucks more is that I am wallowing in self-pity. I am going to do something about it. Take care of myself. I have done it before. I feel better today than I did yesterday, so that’s progress, right?

The thing about me is that I have always seen myself as a pretty good person, but the two major relationships that I have been in have indicated that I am not.  And it hurts.  And THEN who thinks that they should be with someone who thinks they are horrible? Not me. So what do I do? I fucked up because I live with my love and can’t take my ass home. So I have to deal with it somehow.  So I choose to be happy, back off, know the mistakes that I made and not repeat them. I also need to make sure to love myself..which is hard when you are single mom. I have to give myself to my son, whom I love more than anything and I feel is really sad right now. Maybe he feels that I am disconnected somehow.  I need to reconnect with the rest of my life and rest of my world.  It is time to deal with it and hopefully, my love will still be there.

Who is in your circle of trust? Who do you have faith in to be there for you no matter what? To support you and not talk smack when you tell them your inner most feelings/insecurities/thoughts? Someone very dear to me doesn’t think that I have enough people in my life to do that with..but I say I have enough. However, I do tend to pick and choose WHO I share infomation with, even if they are good friends. I am learning a lot about myself-mostly that I am a mess but I can run from those who I think will be too judgemental and tell me too much of how they feel. It makes me feel like they are not the friend or close family member that I thought they were and my trust in how they see me is shattered.

Why do I do this? Not sure. Am I afraid of the real? Criticisim? Not really. I think that maybe I beat up on myself more than I should and then when someone else hits me with the real, it makes it harder for me to accept it and it turns into judgement. So since I can’t run from myself, I run from the friend or family member that I felt critcized me in the same way that I criticize myself.  Leaving them with only certain pieces of me, pieces that I only I choose to reveal. Never leaving the complete me behind. I pull away, assuming that they are not interetsed or have already made up their mind about me and that situation/issue/feeling/ insecurity instead of bravely marching through because you know what? That funky feeling/situation/ issue is me. And I and only I can conquer it so no matter what that person had to say-I am the only one who can do something about it.

Does this mean that I am not comfortable with pieces of me? I think that maybe the pieces that are not “perfect” in the way that I want them to be are so fragmented that they cut me deeply and the pains shows in various ways. My reaction to an argument. The look on my face when something inconsequential comes up. The way I manage my friendships/ relationships.  Am I being true to myself? I ask myself that all the time.

I am tired of hoping so, because I want to know so. I also know that I need to get a grip and get it together, cause this pain is showing up in vital areas of my life and I can’t afford to loose them.

It’s been a while, I’ve been pretty busy-moving into a fabulous new place, dealing with my son’s slight confusion as to why his bed was no longer assembled..stuff like that.  I was gonna write a post about fake boobs, but decided not to.

But seriously folks, what do you want to be when you grow up? It took me turning 30 to realize that my life is not over yet and that I should live it-why waste time on things that don’t make you happy? Or do nothing for you? Or simply make you miserable? What? Just because you are no longer in your 20’s you have to only go a certain way? Hang with certain people?  Not that everyone feels that way, it is just that it was the direction I was headed..and I am so glad that I made a U turn.

I made changes to my miserable relationship, and decided on what I wanted to do to make me happy. I really want to go back to school and get a PhD-and teach..guess I gotta get on it, huh? I have been working toward it and I have always worked to be someone who is true to themselves and true to their words. So, since I have said outloud a million times that I want to get the PhD., I’m gonna work towards it.  I have also been thinking about music..I always wanted to be a jazz singer. We’ll see about that one. I want to be the best kind of Mommy I can be for my son..I want him to be the best man he can be-someone HE can be proud of. I want to teach him manners, respect, how to love and how to pray. He’s already smart so the school thing should come easy for him..its the things that are not in the books that I really want to provide for him and any future children I may have. 

Finally, when I gorw up, I want to be in one of those everlasting, sexy and fun relationships..be that couple when they are old and grey can look at one another and smile and laugh still-after all the years that pass by.  A sly look, a soft touch, a slight, loving glance. This is the life that I want to grow into and I think I am on my way…

So..I am moving soon and I am nervous. Nervous about packing-how the hell am I going to find the time? Nervous about Jackson being ina new space. Oh my God, am I going to scar my child for life for bouncing him from home to home? I mean a year ago he was living in a huge house with both parents, to living in a nice home with his Aunt and Mommy to…well, let’s just say the living arrangement will be diferent this time.

But, I am also excited! This is yet another adventurous chapter in my life and I am accepting of the challenge.  It seems that just because you are nervous about something, it doesn’t mean that it will all turn out bad, it is just that you are aware and need to process through all that is happening to determine whether it is the right move.  Luckily, this is a dress rehearsal and the butterflies are moving from nervous fear to nervous excitement. We will see…until next time.

They say you can find happiness in the most unexpected places and ways-I think the same thing goes for unhappiness. The last year had been an interesting one for me- with a divorce, moving on, an unexpected meeting and unexpected happiness. I have found happiness in the simplest of things and have come to realize that is what it is all about, and this is why I decided to start a blog.

After lurking on several sites, laughing at witty musings of others, I thought”I’m witty, I have stuff to say, I like to write.” So here I am. I hope my rambling musings aren’t too much, but then, in a big way I don’t care. I am, after all that brazen hussy. I hope I can keep it up.