Since I am at a very little risk of anyone actually reading this-despite my delusions of gradeur-I am totally going to come clean. First off I recently got divorced. My marriage was abusive. I met someone from my past that made me happier than I have ever been and now it seems as though things are going to be blow away.  I think I have been pretty good considering what I went through in my marriage. But to be honest, there are scars, things that I find difficult to articulate and then mainfest themselves into self-destructive behavior.  Case in poin my current relationship. I love him. Love him to death. But I am scared. He and I had a relationship back in high school..my first love. We found each on the El. I have been replaying that day in my mind so many times because as much as I did not want to admit it at the time, it DID feel like fate.  But apparently, fate has bad timing. I was fresh out of a horrific relationship where I was an awful person and deserved everything that I got.

Now, while the relationship that I am in is definitely not horrific, there are indicators that I am not who I want to be in a relationship and start, well, trippin. I know I can be who I want and have made some major mistakes.  I just am so afraid that the person I love the most won’t see it and leave. Which is what I feared the most. And now here I am trying to keep it together while internally, I am sheredded. Just emotionally drained will time alone help? Not sure. I took some time to enjoy my solitude. Which I did, in fact enjoy but missed my baby. But apparently, he missed me not. I would tell him, he didn’t tell me back.  It’s like he doesn’t seek refuge in me anymore. Doesn’t trust that I can be that rock. I want to be that rock, that lover and everything else but I am afraid that it is too late.  I know in my heart that he loves me, but now believes that he cannot be with me. And it sucks. What sucks more is that I am wallowing in self-pity. I am going to do something about it. Take care of myself. I have done it before. I feel better today than I did yesterday, so that’s progress, right?

The thing about me is that I have always seen myself as a pretty good person, but the two major relationships that I have been in have indicated that I am not.  And it hurts.  And THEN who thinks that they should be with someone who thinks they are horrible? Not me. So what do I do? I fucked up because I live with my love and can’t take my ass home. So I have to deal with it somehow.  So I choose to be happy, back off, know the mistakes that I made and not repeat them. I also need to make sure to love myself..which is hard when you are single mom. I have to give myself to my son, whom I love more than anything and I feel is really sad right now. Maybe he feels that I am disconnected somehow.  I need to reconnect with the rest of my life and rest of my world.  It is time to deal with it and hopefully, my love will still be there.

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