On Tuesday he said he just wanted to be friends. Well then. After cycling through some emotions, I decided that I would give it a try-resetting, taking the pressure off of our strained realtionship. Not sure if this is the best decision I ever made, but why not? Can’t be any worse, can it?  Today, I woke up feeling okay pretty good in fact. The first time in about a month I didn’t wake up feeling a dull ache in my stomach or stabbing pain in my heart. I laid and listened to the waves, to my breath, to my heart and looked at him. Still love him. But that’s okay.

I am choosing to use this time to look inward, which I only scratched the surface of before meeting Beloved. So the more I think about it, this is my time to take more care of myself.  So, I have leaned about Transcendental Meditation-which is great in concept, but not for no $1,500. I mean..seriously?  I have enrolled in some yoga classes that intrigued me..trying something new..I am going to be doing some volunteering and stop hanging around the house just in case I can get some..you know..wink,wink, nod, nod….sad, I know.

See, in his mind, I am a certain way..and I have gotten really close to buying into it. But given my previous hell with..we shall call him Donut..I know that it is all about what I put out there for myself, what I beleive in, and how I pecieve myself is how people who might be pissed off at a crappy side of me can see that the crappy side is not overwhelmingly so much of TBH.

I am going  to keep my head up, remember who I am, what I like, do what interests me and keep on moving. I will get it right someday. Maybe Beloved will be there, maybe not. I pains me to think that way, but that is the reality.

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