I am a basketcase.  I can’t get what I really want so I settled for a piece ofit instead. Bleiving that I could bring myself some kind of pleasure out of the deal. Partly believing that things could go really well at this point or really poorly…well, of course things could not go very well for me. He’s disgusted and so am I. I know that I beat myself up and I really have a problem with that. I want to stop all that. I keep repeating the same patterns over and over not giving myself time to fully see the results. Maybe it is because I am very instant result-driven? I am used to getting something almost immediately and that brings out the brat in me. I unintentionally moved too fast and now it is slapping in  the face. HARD. So how do I get through this? That is the very frustrating part of it.

I mean I have some self-esteem. I got a nice haircut, but now my skin is looking a mess.I went to an event yesterday that I am very enthusiastic about, but yet intimdated by the work that would come from it. Afraid for things to  not go the way I hoped. But I guess if I don’t try..I’ll never  know. Okay, so that means that I will go for it. I just have to get something together in the most hoestly dishonest way I possibly can. What else? Oh yeah. I need to clean my desk. It is awful and it is making me feel bad. So I need to do it. I have taken yoga classes that I suddenly love, gone out with friends, given some love to my son-but I need to give him more..I just do. Why do I still feel just horrible? I really am tired of this.

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