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Who is in your circle of trust? Who do you have faith in to be there for you no matter what? To support you and not talk smack when you tell them your inner most feelings/insecurities/thoughts? Someone very dear to me doesn’t think that I have enough people in my life to do that with..but I say I have enough. However, I do tend to pick and choose WHO I share infomation with, even if they are good friends. I am learning a lot about myself-mostly that I am a mess but I can run from those who I think will be too judgemental and tell me too much of how they feel. It makes me feel like they are not the friend or close family member that I thought they were and my trust in how they see me is shattered.

Why do I do this? Not sure. Am I afraid of the real? Criticisim? Not really. I think that maybe I beat up on myself more than I should and then when someone else hits me with the real, it makes it harder for me to accept it and it turns into judgement. So since I can’t run from myself, I run from the friend or family member that I felt critcized me in the same way that I criticize myself.  Leaving them with only certain pieces of me, pieces that I only I choose to reveal. Never leaving the complete me behind. I pull away, assuming that they are not interetsed or have already made up their mind about me and that situation/issue/feeling/ insecurity instead of bravely marching through because you know what? That funky feeling/situation/ issue is me. And I and only I can conquer it so no matter what that person had to say-I am the only one who can do something about it.

Does this mean that I am not comfortable with pieces of me? I think that maybe the pieces that are not “perfect” in the way that I want them to be are so fragmented that they cut me deeply and the pains shows in various ways. My reaction to an argument. The look on my face when something inconsequential comes up. The way I manage my friendships/ relationships.  Am I being true to myself? I ask myself that all the time.

I am tired of hoping so, because I want to know so. I also know that I need to get a grip and get it together, cause this pain is showing up in vital areas of my life and I can’t afford to loose them.